Open Letter #??

I was going back through my drafts and found this hidden gem from 2011. I don't remember writing it, but it must have been a REALLY bad day. To my FHE peeps, you know I really do love you and don't mind you being in my office at all. Well most of the time anyway! :P

Dear 5 People in the Hall Outside My Office,

I'm working. You know, that thing YOU are probably supposed to be doing right now. Except you are waiting to see the Principal or Assistant Principal. Guess what? She's working too! Go away!

Anyway, since you are out there/in here, let me point out a few key things to you:

• This is not the complaint department. I cannot solve all your problems.
• It's hard to balance budgets and pay invoices when you are telling me about your scam to cheat someone's insurance out of money cause that girl hit you the other night with her daddy's car.
• My office is really not that big. You can't all fit in here.
• One of you needs more deodorant and someone else needs less cologne.
• I am totally writing an open letter on my blog to you while I am halfway pretending to listen to you gripe because I certainly can't focus on my JOB right now.

You People are Going to Drive Me to Drink and it's Only 9:30am,
Your Trapped in her Office Secretary

Open Letter #27

Dear Office Supply Company,

First off, let me say I think your free shipping and almost always next day delivery are awesome. I also love that you have uber discounts for me and that you send me coupons almost every day. Your website is super easy to navigate, your search feature not only finds what I'm looking for but remembers what I've ordered so when I'm trying to find that particular quantity and brand of glue sticks it suggests them for me. I like that you give me $2 credit for every ink cartridge I send in. I like that my account rep seems genuinely interested in not only making the sale but also in cultivating a relationship with me and in helping me find ways to save money and stretch my budget.

That being said...

I need you to work on your online images. Because I can't SEE the construction paper I'm ordering and yes, it DOES matter what the actual color is.

Example:

This is Butterscotch

This is Orange

That's the same picture. And yes, it's the same brand. Which means it's NOT the same color. So Now I don't know which is orange and which is sort of orange. And if you are a teacher it matters. A lot apparently.  You should see the red. Holiday red is more like pinkish red while red is more like burgundy. You have to order red-orange to get the crayon definition of red. And when you buy it 200 packs at a time, you really need to get the right color, because people will just not use it and then you are stuck with a bunch of it left over that never gets used (I'm looking at you, Caramel, that actually turned out to be more like doo-doo brown).

So if you could just fix that one teensy weensy little thing we could go back to being madly in love.

Colorfully Yours,
The Secretary with a Closet Full of Doo-doo Brown and Lime Green Paper

Open Letter #26

Dear Once Every Four Year Voters,

You DO realize the polls are open more than just once every four years, right? And that there are elections EVERY year that affect you, your children, and your rights? And that it's your duty as an American citizen to go vote EVERY time the polls are open?

Your Opinion Only Matters to me 1/4 of the Time,
A Conscientious Voter

Open Letter #25

Dear People Who Like to be Popsicles,

I have a space heater now. Which I am running. Even though it is 90 degrees outside. So there.

Better Luck Freezing Me Out Next Time,
The Only One NOT Going Through "The Change" (apparently)

Open Letter #24

Dear Coworkers Who Think I am Omnipotent,

Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT, in fact, have the answer to everything. I don't know why that kid is perpetually tardy. I don't know why your email will not let you add an attachment. I don't know why Susie's mom won't sign her reading log. I don't know why we are always out of printer ink.Oh wait, I DO know that one. 


I especially don't know why that kid is throwing up. I promise if you try REALLY hard you can figure out how to take a temperature too. You stick the thing in the ear, you push the start button, 4 seconds later it beeps, you look at the number. If it's 98.6 (+/- a degree), the kid does not have a fever. If they are saying their tummy hurts and you believe them, call mom to come get them. If they are throwing up all over the place, why are you taking a temp? No one cares if they have a fever IF THEY ARE PUKING! SEND THEM HOME!

Seriously, it's not like those germs just sit in the Trash Can, They Can Move,
Your Secretary Who is Not a Nurse and Can't Diagnose Kids

Open Letter #23

Dear People Who Use the Copier,

It's not that complicated. I let your students do it all the time. Put the paper down, close the top, press the green button.

If it misfeeds, it shows you where the problem is. Open the door, look for the giant white piece of paper, pull it out. If it doesn't want to come out, look for the bright turquoise parts of the machine. Pull that, then try it again.

If you tried to get it out and you can't, by all means come and get me. But please, please, PLEASE do not do the following:

• Walk off and leave it without trying to fix it or telling someone it's broken. 
• Pull so hard that the paper rips in half. Cause it is SO much harder to get it out then. And I might have to put in a service call which will mean 3-4 days of it being down.
• Open every place that might possibly open on it, then walk away and leave it wide open and exposed.
• Start yanking on black pieces. Black = don't touch. Turquoise = ok to touch.
• Find a screw driver and start performing surgery on it (I really wish I was kidding about that one, yes it has happened)
• Stick objects into it trying to retrieve the scraps of paper now stuck in it you created when you attempted to rip out the jam. I'm looking at you, paper clips and needle nose pliers.

And last, but certainly not least:

Do not come into my office and say "Mrs. Stewart, the copier is broke. I don't know what's wrong with it, it just made a beeping noise so I came up here to tell you. I need you to come fix it right now because I need that stuff I was copying right this second so please drop what you are doing and come make it work because I know you have NOTHING better to do than work on the freaking copier all day long because I can't figure out how to open the door and pull out the piece of paper like the picture showed me to do!!!"


Ahem. Sorry about that.

So in the future, please attempt to at least try to solve it before you come to me and I have to drop everything and go open the door, pull out the paper, and walk away 3 seconds later.

I Still Love You,
Your Secretary Who, Contrary to Popular Belief, DOES Occasionally Do Things OTHER Than Copier Rescuing.

Open Letter #22

Dear Walgreens,

All I wanted was some buy one get one half off shampoo.

But no.

You just HAD to let me wander over to the nail polish section. Where you just HAD to have like 30 different new shades and designs of Sally Hansen Nail Strips. Which you KNOW I have an addiction to. And there was that cute plaid one. And the stripey one. And like 4 new glittery ones. Oh, and this one.

Thanks a lot. Now my hair is clean AND I have new nail polish. It's like I'm turning into a girl or something.

Ignore the Typos Because it's Hard to Type with Freshly Redone Nails,

The Chick Rocking the Above Pictured Style

Open Letter #21

Dear Humongous Pile of Paperwork on my Desk,

Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Stop reproducing overnight.

I Will Never Get Caught Up if I Don't Get Off Blogspot and Get This Desk Under Control,
The Secretary

Open Letter # 20

Dear Billy Badness,

When you chose to ride a motorcycle, you chose to give up the freedom to drive with only one hand. Put both hands on the handlebars. You look stupid, not cool.

Sincerely,
A Driver who Halfway Cares

Open Letter #19

Dear Overly Religious/Overly Protective Parent(s),

Your child will not succumb to the wiles of Satan just because she brought home a piece of paper with bats on it and the word "halloween". In case you hadn't noticed, it is mid October and everywhere you look there are pumpkins, bats, and yes, even witches and skeletons. I'm not saying you don't have a right to raise your child to be whatever religion and hold whatever beliefs you choose, but I am positive that it is not the goal of the school system to teach little Susie to dance naked in the woods around a bonfire. It wasn't even a homework sheet, for crying out loud. Just throw it away and move on with life. Are you taking your child to Wal-mart with you? Because I can guarantee that there are things far worse than this there. Even when it's NOT halloween. And no, we are not going to ban halloween themed or decorated candy simply because you choose to not let your child participate. We have 450 OTHER kids who can eat the Reese Cup shaped like a pumpkin and we are not going to deny it to them simply because you believe that candy was prayed over and blessed by a Satanic priest (true story, that's what the parent said).


Now on to Mr. My Kid Deserves Perfection, you can't have it both ways. You want us to contact you any time your child acts out but then when we do, you chastise us for attempting to correct his behavior. You write ugly and derogatory notes to us, yet when we respond we should be "ashamed of ourselves that we would think to write back to a parent this way". Look, you are NOT the only parent here. You are not even the only nut job parent here (the above momma is competing with you for that title). How about accepting your kid for who he is and moving on?

Too Frustrated to Compose a Valediction,
Fed Up With Crazy Parents Today

Open Letter #18

Dear Florist Shop,

I get that it might be possible for you to run a delivery service with outdated atlases. Well I don't get it, actually, but whatever works for you.

But when you call me to tell me that the flowers we ordered can't be delivered because you can't look up an address....really? Cause I just looked it up on Google and gave you turn by turn directions from your shop to their house....

L2TwentyFirstCentury,
A Secretary who Hates Googling Simple Things for People

Open Letter #17

Dear Parent of Screaming 2 1/2 year Old Standing in My Lobby,

Your child is wailing like a 3 month old baby. I had to look twice to make sure you didn't also have a young infant in here.

At 2 1/12 years old, your child is more than capable of vocalizing to you his needs and wants. The fact that he is pulling on your shirt and crying like a very small infant tells me that when he throws a fit like this at home he gets his way.

This is further enforced by the fact that I know first hand that your 8 year old and 6 year old respond the very same way here at school.

He's been crying like this for 23 minutes. TWENTY THREE MINUTES. Take him back out to the car until he calms down. Or find a sitter. (Or stop giving in to him when he acts like this.) This is a school. Other people's children are trying to learn. You are disrupting the learning environment.

Your kids aren't bad. It's your parenting skills.

It's Time to Grow Up Now Because You are a Mom,
The Secretary who Can't Answer the Phone Because Your Child is So Loud

Open Letter #16

Dear Warm and Comfy Bed,

Why is it that you are Oh-So-Wonderful at 5:00am on a Monday morning but not so much on a Saturday? You know I can actually STAY in there on Saturday, right? Like, until 8:30 or, maybe even 9:00?! Do you and the alarm clock have some kind of deal going where you are only super wonderful on days that it gets to go off? How can we fix this - I really want to love you all 7 days of the week and not just on the 5 I am forced to leave your loving embrace at some crazy hour.

Let's Work on This,
Your Sleepy Friend

Open Letter #15

Dear People Who Work in a School,

No one made you work here. If you don't like children, get out. Right now.

No seriously, this is a safe place for children, all children. Regardless of their race or background, regardless of the choices their parents make and have made. For you to sit on your Upper Middle Class high horse and look down your nose at a little child who has no choice about his circumstances makes me sick. I don't expect you to know every detail of every child's personal circumstances. But I DO expect you to be compassionate to all the children. When you speak to a little child with an attitude and sneer at them because they are inconveniencing you...I don't even have words.

Just so you know, that child you yelled at this morning who came in at 8:30 wanting breakfast? He hasn't eaten since lunchtime yesterday. He doesn't know where his mother is. His big brother who has always taken care of him is living with his grandma, and his little sister he's always looked out for is with mom. He is being bounced from house to house by his father's relatives. A father who, by the way, he barely knows. They are taking him in as they are able, but this little child has no idea where he will rest his head tonight or even how he will leave school. All of his possessions are in his bookbag. He's been wearing the same exact clothes for 2 weeks. Sometimes they get washed, when he is able to find someone kind enough to wash them. This is the only safe haven he has right now.

So for you to treat him like you did this morning is completely unacceptable. I hope you enjoyed that cinnamon roll you kept for yourself, because had I not seen that go down, that child would have remained hungry until lunch this afternoon.

Now like I said, I know you don't know every child's circumstances, nor do I expect you to. But maybe your eyes will be a little more open to the fact that these kids deal with things you cannot even imagine. And a little bit of the child was shattered this morning when you chose to be ugly to him. A little bit more of his faith in humanity was destroyed.

Try to Love Them Like Jesus Does,
An Advocate for the Children

Open Letter #13

Dear Mr. Shoe Store Man,

I did not appreciate the dirty looks you gave my family at your shoe store last night.

You didn't need to come back and stare at us every 20 minutes like we were trying to steal your shoes. You better believe if I am going to pay $65 a pair for shoes my kids will destroy in 3 months and outgrow in 6, I am going to make darn sure they fit first.

This means that yes, I am going to make you remove the giant circle thing in the shoe so I can see if the shoe fits properly. And yes, I am going to have my kids walk around the store in them. And maybe even jog a teensy bit. This is why you put the kids shoes at the BACK, remember? So all the loud, romping children would be out of sight of the rest of your customers?

My children were not all that bad, by the way. We threw our trash away and they even went back up to the counter with each pair that didn't fit so they could be retagged with your anti-theft device. How many people do that, huh?! AND they only ran a little bit. And they were quiet-ish for the most part. Certainly not screaming like banshees or running around like something out of The Exorcist or laying in the floor doing the Curly Shuffle while their parents ignored them.

Plus, it's not like you were doing a ton of business on a Tuesday night anyway. And we spent $158. So seriously? Next time try smiling and asking if you can put those shoes back for us, or offer to find us a size. Be glad you don't work for tips.

Sincerely,
Angry Mama Bear

Open Letter #12

Dear Vending Machine Guy,

I already wrote you a letter about the fact that you brought a machine but no drinks for it. That was 10 days ago. There are still no drinks. Seriously?!

My Patience Only Goes So Far,
A Thirsty CUSTOMER

Open Letter #11

Dear Sweet 10 1/2 Year Old Child of Mine,

Thank you for teaching me more about the love of God. Thank you for showing me how to trust God more through your example. Thank you for making me a better person.

You have a million questions and I only have about half the answers. You push me to find them, and in doing so I am able to further my own knowledge and understanding.

You make me laugh with the funny way you understand things. I think you get that from me. It's probably my fault for trying to wrap every explanation into an easy-to-relate-to scenario. This is probably why you told me heaven sounds like an episode of The Waltons. Thanks for breaking that down for me. I think we may need to revisit that particular scenario.

You have the sweetest prayers. Seriously. You can bring adults (even those OTHER than your dear old mom) to tears with the fervency and sincerity of your pleadings with God. You have such a strong faith - you don't doubt for one second that God is there and that he is listening specifically to you. I have yet to hear you pray anything for yourself. I am sure that you do, and I know that some of the things you pray for are indirectly for yourself, but you always put others first in your prayers. We're working on that being evidenced in your deeds, but I have no doubt we'll get there eventually.

The suffering of others truly bothers you. You are always outraged at injustice and want to fix it, and fix it now. Even from a very young age, you have always been compassionate towards those less fortunate than you. You are also truly color and ability blind. You don't care what other people will think or say about you. You see others the way God sees them - as special and unique individuals worthy of your time and energy. You actively seek out those who are different and strive to incorporate them into your life. That's a lesson we all could stand to learn.

Please forgive me for being short tempered with you at times. Your mom is a sinner just like the rest of the world, and sometimes that gets the best of me. I need to be more patient with you. I need to be more understanding. I need to recognize that the Son of God offered himself up on the cross as a sacrifice to save you from your sins, and that then he gave you to me to love and care for. To guide and nurture, and to point back to him on a constant basis. I know I have made many mistakes and will continue to make them, but I pray that you will forgive me for them and that God will continue to shape and mold me to be the best mom to you that I can be.

Thanks for letting me be a part of your life's story.

I love you more than you will ever know,
Your Mama

Open Letter #10

Dear Lightening,

Please do not strike the school again. I know you were just being lightening and all, but here's why I need you to refrain from this in the future:

1. You took out the main switchboard telephone handset. This means all phone calls have to be forwarded to my office, because that is the only phone that actually rings and we can't hear the phone ringing.
2. You fried the brand new Smartboards. That cost $2200. Each.
3. You sent a surge of electricity through my ancient and outdated computers that are no longer under warranty and therefore cannot be fixed.
4. You knocked out the intercom system. We have to send runners to deliver messages.
5. You killed the fire alarm. We NEED the fire alarm. What if there was a fire?
6. You set off the alarm system. At 3am. They called me. Repeatedly.

But finally, and most importantly:
You peeled the bark off a tree in the parking lot. That tree happens to be directly in front of my parking spot. Now I am afraid to park there.

Kindly Keep Your Displays of Majestic Power to Yourself,

An Irate School Secretary

Open Letter #9

Dear Rain Gently Falling on my Rooftop at 5:30 in the Morning,

I love you. I love the way you sound cascading down the roof, the soft pitter patter your drops make as they hit the top of my house.

I love the way you soothingly splatter on my bedroom window. I love the sound you make when you puddle together in the gutters, the calming trinkle coming out of my down spouts.

Please stop.

You see, it is now dark:30a.m. and this means I have to get out of bed and go to work. And all I want to do is stay here in my cozy bed and listen to you.

Forever Yours,
The Girl Who Sets Her Sleep Machine to Rainstorm Every Night to Fall Asleep in the First Place

Open Letter #8

Dear Life at Cherry Grove Beach,

Please stop taunting me with your affordability and easy oceanfront living.

I am well aware of the wonderful amenities you boast, such as:

• reasonably priced ocean property (starting around $200,000) only 2-3 blocks from the actual ocean
• Neighborhoods that, while peppered with rental properties, are not over commercialized
• easy access to the public beach
• a golf cart ride away from a regular price grocery store
• Dining options within walking distance and golf cart driving distance
• A short, 20 min trip from all the commercialism I could ever want

However:

• I do not have a job there
• My parents refuse to move there with me (for now)
• My children could not come due to the fact that they have other parents too
• Um....yeah that's about it

So stop finding your way into my internet browser and forcing me to look at your spacious, furnished, ready-to-move-into options that meet my specific search criteria.

Yours Truly (no seriously, one day I WILL be yours!!!),

A Closet Beach Bum