Open Letter #23

Dear People Who Use the Copier,

It's not that complicated. I let your students do it all the time. Put the paper down, close the top, press the green button.

If it misfeeds, it shows you where the problem is. Open the door, look for the giant white piece of paper, pull it out. If it doesn't want to come out, look for the bright turquoise parts of the machine. Pull that, then try it again.

If you tried to get it out and you can't, by all means come and get me. But please, please, PLEASE do not do the following:

• Walk off and leave it without trying to fix it or telling someone it's broken. 
• Pull so hard that the paper rips in half. Cause it is SO much harder to get it out then. And I might have to put in a service call which will mean 3-4 days of it being down.
• Open every place that might possibly open on it, then walk away and leave it wide open and exposed.
• Start yanking on black pieces. Black = don't touch. Turquoise = ok to touch.
• Find a screw driver and start performing surgery on it (I really wish I was kidding about that one, yes it has happened)
• Stick objects into it trying to retrieve the scraps of paper now stuck in it you created when you attempted to rip out the jam. I'm looking at you, paper clips and needle nose pliers.

And last, but certainly not least:

Do not come into my office and say "Mrs. Stewart, the copier is broke. I don't know what's wrong with it, it just made a beeping noise so I came up here to tell you. I need you to come fix it right now because I need that stuff I was copying right this second so please drop what you are doing and come make it work because I know you have NOTHING better to do than work on the freaking copier all day long because I can't figure out how to open the door and pull out the piece of paper like the picture showed me to do!!!"


Ahem. Sorry about that.

So in the future, please attempt to at least try to solve it before you come to me and I have to drop everything and go open the door, pull out the paper, and walk away 3 seconds later.

I Still Love You,
Your Secretary Who, Contrary to Popular Belief, DOES Occasionally Do Things OTHER Than Copier Rescuing.

Open Letter #19

Dear Overly Religious/Overly Protective Parent(s),

Your child will not succumb to the wiles of Satan just because she brought home a piece of paper with bats on it and the word "halloween". In case you hadn't noticed, it is mid October and everywhere you look there are pumpkins, bats, and yes, even witches and skeletons. I'm not saying you don't have a right to raise your child to be whatever religion and hold whatever beliefs you choose, but I am positive that it is not the goal of the school system to teach little Susie to dance naked in the woods around a bonfire. It wasn't even a homework sheet, for crying out loud. Just throw it away and move on with life. Are you taking your child to Wal-mart with you? Because I can guarantee that there are things far worse than this there. Even when it's NOT halloween. And no, we are not going to ban halloween themed or decorated candy simply because you choose to not let your child participate. We have 450 OTHER kids who can eat the Reese Cup shaped like a pumpkin and we are not going to deny it to them simply because you believe that candy was prayed over and blessed by a Satanic priest (true story, that's what the parent said).


Now on to Mr. My Kid Deserves Perfection, you can't have it both ways. You want us to contact you any time your child acts out but then when we do, you chastise us for attempting to correct his behavior. You write ugly and derogatory notes to us, yet when we respond we should be "ashamed of ourselves that we would think to write back to a parent this way". Look, you are NOT the only parent here. You are not even the only nut job parent here (the above momma is competing with you for that title). How about accepting your kid for who he is and moving on?

Too Frustrated to Compose a Valediction,
Fed Up With Crazy Parents Today