Open Letter #??

I was going back through my drafts and found this hidden gem from 2011. I don't remember writing it, but it must have been a REALLY bad day. To my FHE peeps, you know I really do love you and don't mind you being in my office at all. Well most of the time anyway! :P

Dear 5 People in the Hall Outside My Office,

I'm working. You know, that thing YOU are probably supposed to be doing right now. Except you are waiting to see the Principal or Assistant Principal. Guess what? She's working too! Go away!

Anyway, since you are out there/in here, let me point out a few key things to you:

• This is not the complaint department. I cannot solve all your problems.
• It's hard to balance budgets and pay invoices when you are telling me about your scam to cheat someone's insurance out of money cause that girl hit you the other night with her daddy's car.
• My office is really not that big. You can't all fit in here.
• One of you needs more deodorant and someone else needs less cologne.
• I am totally writing an open letter on my blog to you while I am halfway pretending to listen to you gripe because I certainly can't focus on my JOB right now.

You People are Going to Drive Me to Drink and it's Only 9:30am,
Your Trapped in her Office Secretary

Open Letter #27

Dear Office Supply Company,

First off, let me say I think your free shipping and almost always next day delivery are awesome. I also love that you have uber discounts for me and that you send me coupons almost every day. Your website is super easy to navigate, your search feature not only finds what I'm looking for but remembers what I've ordered so when I'm trying to find that particular quantity and brand of glue sticks it suggests them for me. I like that you give me $2 credit for every ink cartridge I send in. I like that my account rep seems genuinely interested in not only making the sale but also in cultivating a relationship with me and in helping me find ways to save money and stretch my budget.

That being said...

I need you to work on your online images. Because I can't SEE the construction paper I'm ordering and yes, it DOES matter what the actual color is.

Example:

This is Butterscotch

This is Orange

That's the same picture. And yes, it's the same brand. Which means it's NOT the same color. So Now I don't know which is orange and which is sort of orange. And if you are a teacher it matters. A lot apparently.  You should see the red. Holiday red is more like pinkish red while red is more like burgundy. You have to order red-orange to get the crayon definition of red. And when you buy it 200 packs at a time, you really need to get the right color, because people will just not use it and then you are stuck with a bunch of it left over that never gets used (I'm looking at you, Caramel, that actually turned out to be more like doo-doo brown).

So if you could just fix that one teensy weensy little thing we could go back to being madly in love.

Colorfully Yours,
The Secretary with a Closet Full of Doo-doo Brown and Lime Green Paper

Open Letter #25

Dear People Who Like to be Popsicles,

I have a space heater now. Which I am running. Even though it is 90 degrees outside. So there.

Better Luck Freezing Me Out Next Time,
The Only One NOT Going Through "The Change" (apparently)

Open Letter #24

Dear Coworkers Who Think I am Omnipotent,

Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT, in fact, have the answer to everything. I don't know why that kid is perpetually tardy. I don't know why your email will not let you add an attachment. I don't know why Susie's mom won't sign her reading log. I don't know why we are always out of printer ink.Oh wait, I DO know that one. 


I especially don't know why that kid is throwing up. I promise if you try REALLY hard you can figure out how to take a temperature too. You stick the thing in the ear, you push the start button, 4 seconds later it beeps, you look at the number. If it's 98.6 (+/- a degree), the kid does not have a fever. If they are saying their tummy hurts and you believe them, call mom to come get them. If they are throwing up all over the place, why are you taking a temp? No one cares if they have a fever IF THEY ARE PUKING! SEND THEM HOME!

Seriously, it's not like those germs just sit in the Trash Can, They Can Move,
Your Secretary Who is Not a Nurse and Can't Diagnose Kids

Open Letter #23

Dear People Who Use the Copier,

It's not that complicated. I let your students do it all the time. Put the paper down, close the top, press the green button.

If it misfeeds, it shows you where the problem is. Open the door, look for the giant white piece of paper, pull it out. If it doesn't want to come out, look for the bright turquoise parts of the machine. Pull that, then try it again.

If you tried to get it out and you can't, by all means come and get me. But please, please, PLEASE do not do the following:

• Walk off and leave it without trying to fix it or telling someone it's broken. 
• Pull so hard that the paper rips in half. Cause it is SO much harder to get it out then. And I might have to put in a service call which will mean 3-4 days of it being down.
• Open every place that might possibly open on it, then walk away and leave it wide open and exposed.
• Start yanking on black pieces. Black = don't touch. Turquoise = ok to touch.
• Find a screw driver and start performing surgery on it (I really wish I was kidding about that one, yes it has happened)
• Stick objects into it trying to retrieve the scraps of paper now stuck in it you created when you attempted to rip out the jam. I'm looking at you, paper clips and needle nose pliers.

And last, but certainly not least:

Do not come into my office and say "Mrs. Stewart, the copier is broke. I don't know what's wrong with it, it just made a beeping noise so I came up here to tell you. I need you to come fix it right now because I need that stuff I was copying right this second so please drop what you are doing and come make it work because I know you have NOTHING better to do than work on the freaking copier all day long because I can't figure out how to open the door and pull out the piece of paper like the picture showed me to do!!!"


Ahem. Sorry about that.

So in the future, please attempt to at least try to solve it before you come to me and I have to drop everything and go open the door, pull out the paper, and walk away 3 seconds later.

I Still Love You,
Your Secretary Who, Contrary to Popular Belief, DOES Occasionally Do Things OTHER Than Copier Rescuing.

Chuck E Cheese at Forest Heights

Usually you take your school kids to see Chuck E. Cheese.

Today, he came to see us.

I don't mean this kind.

I mean this kind.

World's Finest Fundraising

Chocolate. I like it ok. I mean, I'm not one of those people who must have a steady supply of it OR ELSE but I'm probably not going to turn it down either. But selling it? Well, that's a whole 'nother story!

This stuff. Is amazing.

I mean, it's decent tasting and whatever, but in sheer profit value? It practically sells itself. We made gobs and gobs of money this year and last selling it, and all we had to do was bribe the kids with chance to win an iPod. I don't have my final totals in yet, but I expect it will be well over $5,000 profit once it is all said and done. Not bad for a school of only 450 students!

And as Captain Steve put it, "Mrs. Stewart, you look like one of those drug lords in those gansta movies I be watching counting up all yo money and stacking it up like that." Where's my luxury sedan with spinning rims? And my entourage? I was promised an entourage with this gig!

Open Letter #21

Dear Humongous Pile of Paperwork on my Desk,

Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. Stop reproducing overnight.

I Will Never Get Caught Up if I Don't Get Off Blogspot and Get This Desk Under Control,
The Secretary

Open Letter #18

Dear Florist Shop,

I get that it might be possible for you to run a delivery service with outdated atlases. Well I don't get it, actually, but whatever works for you.

But when you call me to tell me that the flowers we ordered can't be delivered because you can't look up an address....really? Cause I just looked it up on Google and gave you turn by turn directions from your shop to their house....

L2TwentyFirstCentury,
A Secretary who Hates Googling Simple Things for People

Open Letter #14

Dear Parents Who Don't Get Along with Each Other,

Just because you don't like the person you chose as your child's other parent does not change the fact that they are the child's other parent.

If Dad shows up at school and can prove he's Dad, he gets to take Jr.

Did you go to court? Did you get his rights restricted? No? Then I can't restrict them for you.

But he's not on the birth certificate? News flash - if you went after him for child support and won, then he has proof he is Dad. You dug that grave yourself. But he's not paying it? Too bad for you. Unless Jr. is Bobo the 3 headed clown at the state fair, he doesn't have to pay admission for the right to see his kid.

Handle your own legal matters. I am not the judge and I don't care what he did or didn't do or how far behind he is on his child support or whatever. When you decided to engage in sexual intercourse you decided he was good enough to parent your child. Even if.

Stop Trying to Change the Constitution to Suit You,
A Frustrated School Secretary

Replace Dad with Mom where appropriate

Open Letter #12

Dear Vending Machine Guy,

I already wrote you a letter about the fact that you brought a machine but no drinks for it. That was 10 days ago. There are still no drinks. Seriously?!

My Patience Only Goes So Far,
A Thirsty CUSTOMER

Open Letter #10

Dear Lightening,

Please do not strike the school again. I know you were just being lightening and all, but here's why I need you to refrain from this in the future:

1. You took out the main switchboard telephone handset. This means all phone calls have to be forwarded to my office, because that is the only phone that actually rings and we can't hear the phone ringing.
2. You fried the brand new Smartboards. That cost $2200. Each.
3. You sent a surge of electricity through my ancient and outdated computers that are no longer under warranty and therefore cannot be fixed.
4. You knocked out the intercom system. We have to send runners to deliver messages.
5. You killed the fire alarm. We NEED the fire alarm. What if there was a fire?
6. You set off the alarm system. At 3am. They called me. Repeatedly.

But finally, and most importantly:
You peeled the bark off a tree in the parking lot. That tree happens to be directly in front of my parking spot. Now I am afraid to park there.

Kindly Keep Your Displays of Majestic Power to Yourself,

An Irate School Secretary

Open Letter #7

Dear Vending Machine Guy,

I appreciate you maintaining a full service vending machine on our campus. I really do.

But when you drop off the machine and it doesn't have any drinks in it, I need you to bring some drinks. Because it's Friday. And people are thirsty. And under caffeinated. And they are coming to ME to yell about the fact that there aren't any drinks at all in the machine. No, not even a water. And all I have in my mini fridge is Capri Suns that are really there for the diabetic kids.

So could you please bring us some drinks? Before they hurt me?

Hiding from the Caffeine Freaks,
The Secretary They are All Blaming for the Lack of Drinks

Open Letter #5

Dear Person with the Giant Email Signature,

I think it's great that you have figured out how to jazz up the bottom of all of your emails.But I have a couple of problems with your signature.

Let's look at it, shall we?



Thanks so much for all your hard work and help,

Jane A. Doe, B.A., M.A., Ed.D., A.B.C., X.Y.Z.
Executive Administrative Assistant to John Smith, CEO
Lead Administrative Assistant
President, Association of Office Professionals
Chairman of Corporate American Business Solutions Social Committee
Head Coffee Maker
Corporate American Business Solutions
234 My Lane, Building A, Floor 17, Room 108, Cubicle 19, Black Chair, Green Rug
555-123-1234 ext 789 (Phone)
800-123-1234 ext 789 (Toll-Free)
555-123-6789 (Fax)
800-123-6789 (Toll-Free Fax)
www.corporateamericanbusinesssolutions.com
www.corporateamericanbusinesssolutions.com/janeadoe/html
"Happiness is all about perspective. If you choose to be happy, you will be. If you choose not to be happy, you won't be. Every day we are faced with a choice; will I choose to be happy today, or will I choose not to be? It is up to us each day to make that choice. Our day, and the flow of our day, will be determined by how we choose. So choose to be happy today!"




Here's what we are all thinking but no one will tell you:

1. Your education. I don't need to know every degree that you have earned. Just put the highest one and leave it at that. And then only if it's a really impressive one. Cause we all have a B.A., just sayin'.


2. Crazy fonts and colors. My eyes. They bleed.


3. Contact info. It's a good thing. But let's not go crazy with it. If you are linking me to your website with your contact info on it, you don't need to put it all on your signature.


4. Quotes. We all like nice quotes on our signatures. But let's keep it simple. If the impact can't be made in 1-2 short sentences, it's no longer a quote. Anything more than about 20 words is too long. And really 20 words is probably too long. It's an email signature, not a blog post.


5. Job titles. We all wear a lot of hats these days. Your email signature is not the place to list every one of these. That, my friend, is called a resume. We are not impressed by all the responsibilities you are entrusted with. Just give me your main duty, and leave it at that.


6. Images. For the love of Pete, please take that large image file out of your email signature. Do you know how many emails I get and send a day? And how many of those require me to send and receive large attachments? You get the same 75MB of email storage that I do. When every one of your emails is at least 500KB due to the picture file embedded in your signature, you file up my storage space. This means I have to delete your emails almost as soon as I get them or my outbox will cease to function correctly. GET RID OF THE PICTURE!


7. Pretyped closings. No one believes you are thankful for their help when every email is pre stamped 3 lines from the end of the body with "Thanks for the help,". And what if you weren't asking for help? My next most despised one is "Sincerely,". Most emails are just not formal enough to require sincerely. And if you are forwarding me a chain letter stating that Lolcats are going to invade my home if I don't send it to 10 people within the next 20 minutes, I doubt your sincerity in the first place.

Now that you know you are driving us all batty, please go back into your signature file and make corrections. The rest of us thank you. 

Yours Truly,

The Girl with the Flooded Inbox

Open Letter #2

Dear People Who Work with Me,

There is a sign on my door. It has 3 phrases on it.

Come in

Don't come in

I'm not here

If the check mark is on "Come in", this means you are welcome to come into my office and discuss anything you need, or look for something in here you might require if I have stepped out of it for some reason.

If the check mark is on "I'm not here", this means I am not on campus. Maybe I'm at a meeting. Maybe I am running late. Maybe my kid got sick and I had to leave early. If the check mark is on this phrase, this means you need to find someone else to help you because I am not physically available to do so.

If you come by and the check mark is on "Don't come in", you have just stumbled upon one of the 6 or so times per year that you do NOT need to bother me for ANY reason whatsoever. So don't knock, don't grin at me sheepishly and then proceed to come in anyway, don't come in and plop down in a chair and wait for me to acknowledge you, and, for the love of Pete, do NOT look at the sign, read it out loud and snicker, and then proceed to come in, help yourself to a treat, throw your feet up on my desk, and tell me what you need me to do. Linda Blair ain't got nothing on me when the sign is on "Don't come in".

Much love,
Your Harried Office Professional Who Isn't Afraid of Prison Time at the Moment

Open Letter #1

Dear Parents of Elementary Students,

When your school secretary tells you that she needs proof of your address, this is not her way of calling you a liar. I promise you, she couldn't really care less where you live. She really doesn't even care if you actually live there. She is just doing her job to make sure that the students attending her school are the students who actually live within her school's boundaries. This is so that she does not rob funding from other people's children's schools.

So please, do NOT give her the skank eye when you show up the day before open house with all 6 of your kids, your sister's 4 kids, and your "special friend"'s 3 kids by his ex and want to enroll them all simply because you have an address you are capable of writing down on paper. She has to have proof. If you are willing to go before a notary and lie saying all those kids actually live with you, go for it.

I still need to see your lease agreement, utility bill, mortgage statement, or other valid form of proof of residency. And yes, that smile on my face is fake!

Love,
Your School Secretary