The Life Stages of Humans

"Mom, I want to tell you something. We have figured out the Life Stages of Humans."

Well coming from my kids, you know this ought to be good.



Stage 1: The "Not Out Yet" Stage
This stage means you are in your Mom's belly. "No, Tommy, that's how little kids say it. We are not little kids. You need to use proper terms. You are in your Mom's womb." "It's not a womb, it's a uterus." "No, it's a womb. God called it a womb in the Bible so that means I am right and you are wrong. Unless you want to argue with God. Cause I think what He says is the winner. But you go ahead and argue if you want."

Stage 2: The "Newborn Stage
This is when you cry a LOT and sleep all the time because you just got born and you don't know that there is a way you are supposed to act yet. So sometimes when you cry in church your Mom has to take you out and calm you down. But you aren't in trouble, because you don't know you aren't supposed to act like that in church. Yet.

Stage 3: The "Baby" Stage
This is the last stage that you don't have to be responsible for how you act. You can smack other people, even on purpose, and no one fusses at you, they just tell you "no no" because you don't know any better and you are still supposed to be learning not to act like that. And you don't have to share with other people. If you want something from another kid, they usually have to give it to you. "Not always, Steven, you are supposed to be learning to SHARE." "Well then why do the growns-up always say 'Let the baby play with that, he's not going to hurt it.' " "Good point."

Stage 4: The "Toddler Stage
The toddler stage is hard, because you are really cute and are learning to do a lot of new things. And other people think you are cute. But this is when your parents start expecting you to act like you have sense. So some people let you get away with screaming and crying and asking for stuff, but then your parents make you go to time out or get a spanking for doing the same thing. So it's confusing because sometimes you get in trouble and sometimes you don't. "Hey, isn't this also the stage where you throw yourself on the floor in public and pitch a fit and really embarrass your parents?" "Oh yeah, good point Tommy, I forgot to add that this is when you have to learn that you can act one way at home and another way in public. And now if you get taken out in church you are probably going to get a spanking."


Stage 5: The "Child" Stage
Being a child is fun because you get to do a lot of fun stuff and you don't have a lot of responsibility yet. It's a long stage too. You get to go to school and you get to learn how to make friends. If you have good parents they start teaching you about expectations. You probably will start having to do chores during this stage, but your Mom and Dad will probably still give you a reminder. When you get in trouble, you might start getting grounded instead of getting a time out. "Getting grounded is a lot worse than time out because you lose something that you really love for a long time and it makes you think about what you did and why you shouldn't do that." When you are a child, you start learning how to do chores. This is because it is not your Mom's job to be your friend. It is her job to show you how to be a responsible adult. You have friends. They are also children. When you get to be an adult you get to make the decisions. Until then you have to do what your parents tell you to do because they are in charge. Editor's Note: Apparently they DO listen when I talk! You get to learn how to play video games. Hopefully you learned how to share when you were a toddler because there are no excuses for not sharing now, even if it's brand new and you just got it.


Stage 6: The "Pre-Teen" Stage
When you turn double digits (Editor's Note: This means 10), you get to be a preteen. This is from 10, 11, and 12. This stage is really cool because you get to start having some freedom like staying up later at night and riding in the front seat sometimes. Also your parents might let you stay home alone for an hour or so to see how you will do. "But not if you don't want to, they won't make you. It's ok to be scared because it's a new thing and you don't HAVE to stay by yourself yet, only if you want to try it out." It's also not so fun because people start asking if you have a girlfriend. And maybe you don't like girls like that yet. "Yeah Tommy, you don't have to like girls in the girlfriend way because Mom says you can't date them yet anyway and there is plenty of time to like girls later." You also have to start working on your personal hygiene because you might start experiencing hormones and puberty. That's when hair starts growing in weird places and you have to wear deodorant every day. "Yeah, if you don't wear your deodorant, the area under your arms will get really smelly and your Mom might call you Sauerkraut Pits".


Stage 7: The "Teenager" Stage
When you get to be a teenager, you think you know everything but you really don't know anything at all. You sometimes make stupid choices because you don't slow down and listen to what your parents tell you and you might say really horrible and mean things to them. You don't really mean those things but you say them anyway because that's what teenagers do - act before they think. You will get to go out places by yourself -"(Thomas) ONLY if your parents trust you. If you lied to them while you were a Pre-Teen you can pretty much forget having freedom as a Teenager because sorry doesn't always fix it." If your parents are really strict, you will probably FINALLY get a cell phone. When you get to almost the end of being a teenager you get to have a girlfriend and go on dates and stuff if you want to, but you don't have to because if you don't want to get married you don't have to date girls until you do. You get to go to high school and you have to have really good grades so you can get a scholarship and go to college. If you don't get scholarships then you either have to get a loan or join the military to pay for college, but you have to go one way or another, because that's just how it is. You can get a job afterschool or on the weekends and save up money to buy a car and pay for your insurance.


Stage 8: The "Grown-up" Stage
Once you get out of college you FINALLY get to be a grown-up. You get to have a job and a car and your own house. You can hang whatever you want on your walls because it's your house and no one has to look at it but you. You get to watch whatever you want on Netflix and Youtube because YOU paid for the internet. "But you should still choose appropriate stuff because just because you can watch something on Youtube doesn't mean you should." You get to choose your own bedtime. But you will probably wish you could go to bed earlier than the bedtime you choose. You will finally start to like taking a nap and you get to say things to people in the child and toddler stage like "one day you will be a grown-up and you will WISH someone would make you take a nap!"At your job you get to make money to pay the bills. It's important to make money so you can pay bills to have the thing you need and want. And you can save up money in a jar and use that money to buy something really fun you want like a flat screen TV or a vacation trip. But you have to pay your tithing and your insurance as soon as you get your check every time. "Because tithing is how you show God you are being a good steward of the resources He has given you and if you don't pay your insurance on time they will cut it off; they don't care if you have other bills to pay too." (Hmmm...maybe I should start paying bills later at night when I am POSITIVE they are asleep...) You can also get married now. And maybe have some kids. "But if you bring a baby to Mom's house you have to remember her two rules - you have to bring that baby's momma with you and she has to be your wife."


Stage 7 1/2: The "Young Adult" Stage
"Hey we forgot a stage. What about after you finish High School but before you finish college and get your own house?" This is called the Young Adult stage. When you are a Young Adult you figure out that you really don't know everything you thought you knew when you were a teenager. And you still make some stupid choices but this time you have to learn from them because people get confused about whether you are a teenager or a grown-up so you better figure out how to fix things because when you are an adult and you mess up really badly it's all on you. You have to go to college because otherwise it will be really hard to make it in the world, and that's kind of crazy because a lot of really smart and successful people never graduated from college, but that's just the way the world works now. If you think you want to get married one day you better start looking for a girlfriend now, because the whole reason to have a girlfriend is so you can have a wife. It's ok to have more than one girlfriend in your lifetime but you should probably just have one at a time because girls don't like it when they feel like they have to compete with each other. "And don't forget - you shouldn't date a girl unless she loves Jesus more than she loves you and if you have to ask her then you already know the answer to that question."


Stage 9: The "Middle Aged" Stage
When you turn 35 you are officially Middle Aged. Your kids will move out of your house because they are Young Adults or Grown-ups now. You will probably get to be a grandparent. This is fun because you get to say yes to all the things you had to tell your own kids no about. You also get to retire from your job and not go to work every day so you can do some fun things you wanted to do when you were a Grown Up but couldn't because you had kids and a job. You might even get to go on vacation just because you want to, and it can be anytime you want to go, not just in the summer.


Stage 10: The "Old" Stage
This stage is when you are 80 and it doesn't last very long because you are probably going to be dead soon. But it's kind of like the toddler stage because you can do or say what you want to and people will say "just ignore him, he's old and can't help it."


Stage 11: The "Dead" Stage
This is the shortest stage because you are, well, dead.


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So if you don't think your kids are listening and learning from everything you say and do, just get them to explain one of their crazy theories to you. I think I learned more from the "Life Stages" than they did! I have some pretty great kids, and it's nice to know I'm not TOTALLY failing them!