Open Letter #5

Dear Person with the Giant Email Signature,

I think it's great that you have figured out how to jazz up the bottom of all of your emails.But I have a couple of problems with your signature.

Let's look at it, shall we?



Thanks so much for all your hard work and help,

Jane A. Doe, B.A., M.A., Ed.D., A.B.C., X.Y.Z.
Executive Administrative Assistant to John Smith, CEO
Lead Administrative Assistant
President, Association of Office Professionals
Chairman of Corporate American Business Solutions Social Committee
Head Coffee Maker
Corporate American Business Solutions
234 My Lane, Building A, Floor 17, Room 108, Cubicle 19, Black Chair, Green Rug
555-123-1234 ext 789 (Phone)
800-123-1234 ext 789 (Toll-Free)
555-123-6789 (Fax)
800-123-6789 (Toll-Free Fax)
www.corporateamericanbusinesssolutions.com
www.corporateamericanbusinesssolutions.com/janeadoe/html
"Happiness is all about perspective. If you choose to be happy, you will be. If you choose not to be happy, you won't be. Every day we are faced with a choice; will I choose to be happy today, or will I choose not to be? It is up to us each day to make that choice. Our day, and the flow of our day, will be determined by how we choose. So choose to be happy today!"




Here's what we are all thinking but no one will tell you:

1. Your education. I don't need to know every degree that you have earned. Just put the highest one and leave it at that. And then only if it's a really impressive one. Cause we all have a B.A., just sayin'.


2. Crazy fonts and colors. My eyes. They bleed.


3. Contact info. It's a good thing. But let's not go crazy with it. If you are linking me to your website with your contact info on it, you don't need to put it all on your signature.


4. Quotes. We all like nice quotes on our signatures. But let's keep it simple. If the impact can't be made in 1-2 short sentences, it's no longer a quote. Anything more than about 20 words is too long. And really 20 words is probably too long. It's an email signature, not a blog post.


5. Job titles. We all wear a lot of hats these days. Your email signature is not the place to list every one of these. That, my friend, is called a resume. We are not impressed by all the responsibilities you are entrusted with. Just give me your main duty, and leave it at that.


6. Images. For the love of Pete, please take that large image file out of your email signature. Do you know how many emails I get and send a day? And how many of those require me to send and receive large attachments? You get the same 75MB of email storage that I do. When every one of your emails is at least 500KB due to the picture file embedded in your signature, you file up my storage space. This means I have to delete your emails almost as soon as I get them or my outbox will cease to function correctly. GET RID OF THE PICTURE!


7. Pretyped closings. No one believes you are thankful for their help when every email is pre stamped 3 lines from the end of the body with "Thanks for the help,". And what if you weren't asking for help? My next most despised one is "Sincerely,". Most emails are just not formal enough to require sincerely. And if you are forwarding me a chain letter stating that Lolcats are going to invade my home if I don't send it to 10 people within the next 20 minutes, I doubt your sincerity in the first place.

Now that you know you are driving us all batty, please go back into your signature file and make corrections. The rest of us thank you. 

Yours Truly,

The Girl with the Flooded Inbox

Open Letter #4, Part 2

*Politically Correct version can be found here.*

Dear Idiot Who Can't Figure Out How to Communicate Via Walkie Talkie,

Step One: Press the button.
Step Two: Wait 2 seconds before launching right in
Step Three: Sloooooow Dooooooown - you message WILL get across even if you must stop to breathe now and then
Step Four: Wait 2 seconds before moving to the next step
Step Five: Release the button.

Stuff You Obviously Can't Figure Out for Yourself:

• Do not place your mouth directly on the speaker. This makes you sound like you are in a wind tunnel screaming bloody murder.


• When you talk like you is from da hood and drop endings off words, people cannot understand what in the heck you are trying to say. Same goes for if ya'll talk-uh like ya'll are in that'uh they'ur'uh country bar'uh. 


• If you start spewing out your message as soon are you hit the button, the first part of your message is going to get cut off. Every time. Same goes for if you let go of the button before you finish talking. No one will hear the ending.


• You need to make sure the person you are trying to reach is atually there before you just dump your message out there. And you need to give them half a second to pick up the walkie and answer you back before you call them 18 more times. Maybe they are flushing the ding-dang toilet. Maybe they are on the phone. Have some patience! And if someone is calling you, let them know you heard them in as timely a manner as possible. Even it's just an "ok", "copy that", or "Ten-four good buddy"..


• If someone is talking and you need to say something back, wait two dang seconds before jamming that button and launching your message. Maybe they are taking a breath, you ever think of that???


• Other people on the walkie channel and in the near vicinity of the walkie carrier don't want to know that the person you are trying to reach has a phone call about the results of their highly personal medical procedure. Nor do they need to know someone's private business. Find a different way to get that info to them!


• Turn your walkie down or get a freaking headset if you are in a quiet situation. It's like hearing a cell phone go off at a funeral - it's distracting and unnecessary, as well as easily preventable! 

Seriously it's Not That Hard to Figure Out,

Other Walkie Talkie Users Who Have Half an Ounce of Sense

Open Letter #4, Part 1

*You can read how I really wanted to say it here.*

Dear Person Who Uses a Walkie Talkie,

Step One: Press the button.
Step Two: Pause briefly (consider taking a breath or counting to two)
Step Three: Speak slowly into the walkie until your complete message has been stated
Step Four: Pause briefly (consider taking a breath or counting to two)
Step Five: Release the button.

Helpful Hints:

• Do not place your mouth directly on the speaker. This can cause your voice to be distorted.


• Enunciation is very important.Try your best to speak clearly. When spelling, it is best to clarify letters that sound similar, such as "B as in boy" or "D as in dog".


• Pausing briefly before beginning to speak and after finishing will ensure that your message is not cut off prematurely.


• It is considered proper walkie etiquette to ask for the person you wish to speak to and wait for a response, then deliver your message. Likewise, you should respond stating that you received the message.


• If you are responding, pause briefly to ensure the person talking is, in fact, finished relaying his/her message.


• Be aware that messages relayed via walkie talkie are often broadcast quite loudly. If your message is of a personal or confidential matter, consider other forms of communication.


• If you are wearing a frequently used walkie talkie and are in an area where a loud broadcast may cause a disruption, consider temporally turning the volume down and/or investing in a headset to deliver the message straight to your ear.

Thanks for your consideration,

Other Walkie Talkie Users

Open Letter #3

Dear Mr. Convenience Store Guy,

I know you are trying to run a business. I understand supply and demand. I get that you have to mark things higher than what you bought them for in order to turn a profit.

But $2.54 for a bag of ice? That better be freaking Evian frozen in there. Besides, you are already charging $1.25 for air...

Sincerely,
The Girl who Thinks You are Ripping People Off and Laughing All the Way to the Bank

Open Letter #2

Dear People Who Work with Me,

There is a sign on my door. It has 3 phrases on it.

Come in

Don't come in

I'm not here

If the check mark is on "Come in", this means you are welcome to come into my office and discuss anything you need, or look for something in here you might require if I have stepped out of it for some reason.

If the check mark is on "I'm not here", this means I am not on campus. Maybe I'm at a meeting. Maybe I am running late. Maybe my kid got sick and I had to leave early. If the check mark is on this phrase, this means you need to find someone else to help you because I am not physically available to do so.

If you come by and the check mark is on "Don't come in", you have just stumbled upon one of the 6 or so times per year that you do NOT need to bother me for ANY reason whatsoever. So don't knock, don't grin at me sheepishly and then proceed to come in anyway, don't come in and plop down in a chair and wait for me to acknowledge you, and, for the love of Pete, do NOT look at the sign, read it out loud and snicker, and then proceed to come in, help yourself to a treat, throw your feet up on my desk, and tell me what you need me to do. Linda Blair ain't got nothing on me when the sign is on "Don't come in".

Much love,
Your Harried Office Professional Who Isn't Afraid of Prison Time at the Moment

Open Letter #1

Dear Parents of Elementary Students,

When your school secretary tells you that she needs proof of your address, this is not her way of calling you a liar. I promise you, she couldn't really care less where you live. She really doesn't even care if you actually live there. She is just doing her job to make sure that the students attending her school are the students who actually live within her school's boundaries. This is so that she does not rob funding from other people's children's schools.

So please, do NOT give her the skank eye when you show up the day before open house with all 6 of your kids, your sister's 4 kids, and your "special friend"'s 3 kids by his ex and want to enroll them all simply because you have an address you are capable of writing down on paper. She has to have proof. If you are willing to go before a notary and lie saying all those kids actually live with you, go for it.

I still need to see your lease agreement, utility bill, mortgage statement, or other valid form of proof of residency. And yes, that smile on my face is fake!

Love,
Your School Secretary